How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
In Canada they just call them geese
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh