I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one