“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
it must be school picture day
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*