This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.