How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The asteroid..
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I feel attacked.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.