How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal