“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.