“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Saw your ex at the shops
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.