@platinum2000: How do you tell someone that they're not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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@causticbob: I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date. Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
@brandynwiththey: I'm glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
@TheBoydP: Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch! J: Not Guilty!
@squirrel74wkgn: Me (answers phone): HELL-o Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83 Me: Please leave a message