How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.