@JennyJohnsonHi5: How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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@RuinMyWeek: Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."
@kelownagoose: Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... "Wow...Are you sure that was for me?" And wait.
@MarfSalvador: [Desert island] Me: JANE! Jane: What? M: It's a boat! J: HEEEEEEEEELP! Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats