How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??