I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.