How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
You Might Also Like
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]