How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The asteroid..
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick