How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow