How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally