How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.