“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?