@TheDairylandDon: Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@mompsychologist: 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.

@finah: this little girl next door just opened her window and yelled “what’s 49 plus 13?” so i yelled back 62 and she said thank you god

@dubstep4dads: Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn't make the shampoo

@SarahFemme: Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.