How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.