How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.