How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Lol.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.