How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!