When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You Might Also Like
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
#ParentingFacts
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.