How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.