How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.