they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
2 years later
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it