“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young