HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super