How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?