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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.