How I’d get arrested…
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.