How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
mumsnet is amazing
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I get distracted pretty eas
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.