[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey