How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.