How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?