How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”