How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.