Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business