Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
This is me
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Love this guy
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: