Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
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cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent