I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
don’t be scared
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.