“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth