year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.