“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.