*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
💁🏻♂️
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming