@IdiotOlympics: How is twitter still free 😂😂
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@squirrel74wkgn: *looks over back shoulder* *puts car in reverse* Wife: OH MY GOD *slams brakes* Me: WHAT? Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
@Cool_Jesse: When I wrote "Spiritual" on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch 'Ghostbusters'.
@ElKnuckelhombre: [date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!