Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*