My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Breaking news:
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK