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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Cannot stop laughing at this
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.