How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
2023 was just a warmup
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.